NaNoWriMo update: 12,859 words. NOT GOOD!

Also, have officially scared my sister because I told her the bits from Light Yagami's point of view practically write themselves. Seriously, I have never written a character with such ease. However, I struggle with the bits from L's and Misa's points of view, and Matsuda's chapters? Utterly hopeless, I am lost at sea.

My only reassurance is that in my fic ( spoiler )

And now sticky plotting details are rearing their ugly heads, and I might have to rewrite one of my favourite scenes which I penned days ago, and there's less than a week left, and ARGH.

I wish I could just quote Lady GaGa lyrics and Tears for Fears songs in their entirety, for I firmly believe their music captures the essence of Death Note's characters (especially Light, L, and Misa, it's like "The Fame" album, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," "Mad World," and "Head Over Heels" are the soundtrack to their lives, really).

Why did I sign up for NaNoWriMo again? Using a Death Note fanfic? And I contacted someone for beta-reading and all too. In too deep, can't back out now.

Matsuda, write yourself!

finishing NaNoWriMo + cramming for USMLE Step 1 (guess now it's official, I'm taking it on Dec 23, have the confirmation from Prometric and everything) = BAD IDEA.

Talked to my sister about career goals and how my life is nothing nothing nothing standstill, and she told me to just take it one day at a time.

I REALLY don't want to let go of my ortho dreams. I REALLY wish MMC would take me in.

I REALLY want to finish something on the proper deadline for once in my life. But right now I have a woefully raw novel with 4040 words so far, and that includes the chapter titles and the notes I've written in place of actual chapters.

I REALLY want to be involved with someone, not even true love just liking each other a lot and sex and cuddles will do for now.

I REALLY want a regular source of income.

I REALLY want a lot of stuff that most people my age have already attained. Nrgh. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I wish I could go a decade back in time and caution myself: everything you aspire for now, you're not going to get it. Sorry. Best prepare yourself now.

Only once in my life have I ever felt that if I don't get something, I'd DIE, and I kind of bucked up after it because I had a plan B. (After crying every night for a week, but still) And all things considered, the plan B turned out for the best after all.

And, now, NOW I know what it feels to really, REALLY want something with every fibre of my being. That there is no plan B, C, D...if all else fails, I have a kind of plan ZZZ but I don't want it. I don't want the plan ZZZ at all. I am not going to be happy with ANYTHING else except what I want. I know this. I know this.

Unfortunately, today was one of the first steps in achieving my goal AND I FUCKED IT UP BIG TIME. OH GAWD. I probably submitted the most tragic test paper in the history of test papers. I have no one to blame but myself because I could not put myself together in time to prepare. And, at that time I wasn't too sure about what I wanted. I still had option this and maybe that. And now, NOW that I have fucked up irrevocably, and have seen more of where I hope to spend the next five years of my life and how AWESOME it is, and how I am reminded that I am not happy unless I am in the OR, THAT'S when I become solid sure I WANT THIS I NEED THIS I WANT IT GIVE IT TO ME I LOVE IT.

One slot, there are five of us fighting for it and I am definitely not the smartest or the most charming or the most well-connected.

But seriously, seriously if there is a way to get this I want to be THE ONE, I want to be the last one standing, wala akong paki kung pulutin yung mga kasama ko sa kangkungan as long as I emerge victorious. I have the weekend to think about my essay and hope that salvages my terrible, TERRIBLE entrance test and overshadows my horrid, HORRIBLE board exam grades.

Unfortunately, when answering the question "Why Do I Want To Be An Orthopaedic Surgeon" I am not sure that "THERE IS NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD THAT MAKES ME HAPPY OR MAKES ME FEEL FULFILLED" will suffice. Nor is "BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE MYSELF DOING ANYTHING ELSE." Or "I CAN BE ON THE MOST TOXIC DUTY EVER AND STILL BE AT 100% BECAUSE FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON I GET A PUMPED-UP ADRENALINE RUSH WHEN THERE'S AN EMERGENCY AMPUTATION AT ASS O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING." Or "AN EMERGENCY ROOM FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHOSE LIMBS ARE IN VARIED STATES OF FRACTURE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE." Even if that's the truth.

SERIOUSLY, GOD, I DIDN'T APPLY ANYWHERE ELSE, THERE IS NO OTHER HOSPITAL I WANT TO WORK IN AND THERE IS NO OTHER SPECIALISATION I WANT TO PURSUE. All I can do is hope, pray, think about my essay, kick ass during pre-residency (if they even CONSIDER me), hope the other applicants drop out (fat chance, the ones I met also didn't apply anywhere else). Pray, pray, pray some more. Find it in myself to somehow be ruthless and cunning (I have no guile within me, dammit, and before I thought this was an upstanding quality but now I am bemoaning my absolute lack of Slytherinesque attributes- great, not only did I bomb my test but I also reference Harry Potter in my worrywart rant; can anyone say LOSER?). Also find it in myself to be charming (another quality I lack). Because I KNOW the position is also achieved through charm. Where do I get cunning and charm?

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH!!! Why couldn't I have wanted a specialisation that accepts a fuckton of people and not just one?

I need to The Secret this. I need to The Secret this BIG TIME.

PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT.

I don't know why, but whenever I get into something I NEED to cross it over with a previous fandom.

You know what makes me wish I had it in me once more to write fanfiction? (Because I used to but I don't know where that went.) This mad, mad crossover idea that I would LOVE to see written out but doubt I will ever see in reality unless I do it myself.

DEATH NOTE + ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

Yes, I know I'm nuts.

I've even planned it out! It's going to be called "L of Wammy's House" but it'll go all the way up to "Anne's House of Dreams" and the characters are:

L = Anne Shirley
Light Yagami = Gilbert Blythe (of course! of course!)

And there'll even be a part where Light will be so pissed off because L doesn't swoon over him like the rest of the Kanto adolescent population, and he will think "I will make that crazy L kid, with his big grey eyes, look at me dammit!" and he will whisper to L "Panda boy! Panda boy!" and L will kick him with his mad capoiera skills and "L Lawlit" will get written up for fighting and he will complain "SPELL MY NAME WITH AN E, DAMMIT" (or maybe he will be going around as "Ryuuga Hideki" and be vastly pleased that his name is misspelled as it keeps his secret identity safe, dunno what angle to take on that one)

And the reason why Light was out of school then came back, L is told, is because he had to take care of his dad who suffered a heart attack. Come on people who've read Anne of Green Gables, doesn't this fit in absolutely perfectly?

Oh! Oh! And the part where L and Light get into To-Oh with top marks, tied for first place! And they are always in competition for first place in EVERYTHING! IT'S PERFECT! DOES THIS SOUND AT ALL FAMILIAR, BOTH ANNE OF GREEN GABLES AND DEATH NOTE FANS?

And! And! You know how Gilbert Blythe is all, "I want to help humanity by fighting the good fight against death and disease as a humble but genius country doctor!" That's Light without the craziness and the Death Note, IT'S PERFECT WHY IS THIS STORY NOT WRITTEN ALREADY?!?

Oh and other characters too:

Watari = an amalgam of Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert. Or maybe Watari can be Matthew and Roger could be Marilla, I dunno. FUCK MATTHEW DIES OF A HEART ATTACK. JUST LIKE WATARI. COINCIDENCE?!?

(wait a minute, then this means Watari &/or Roger had something going on with Soichiro Yagami AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Near and Mello = Dora and Davy Keith or I could make it less nice and neat and Near could be some other friend of Anne's and Mello could be Leslie Moore (WITH MATT AS OWEN FORD FOR MAXIMUM YAOI MILEAGE)

Misa Amane = an amalgam of Ruby Gillis and Christine Stuart. Or maybe, Misa = Ruby and Takada = Christine?

Matsuda = Charlie Sloane
Aizawa = I'm not sure if I should make him kind of okay like Jane Andrews or a bitch like Josie Pye
Wedy = Philippa Gordon
Aiber = Priscilla Grant

I don't know how Beyond Birthday and Mikami Teru would fit into this craziness, though. Beyond Birthday = Charlotta the Fourth? One of those crazy Summerside girls in "Anne of Windy Poplars"? Mikami Teru = Miss Cornelia? (Okay that's madness. Not that everything written here so far wasn't ALREADY madness, but I can't think of anything for Mikami Teru at ALL)

But seriously, this crossover MUST be written.

L OF WAMMY'S HOUSE

SOMEHOW I MUST FIND A WAY TO GET THIS DONE

I really, really, REALLY like Death Note.

And Monster.

Don't spoil me for Monster, though, I haven't finished reading it yet. (Although half of me suspects my love of Monster is partly because of Dr. Tenma. Cute, tall, kind-hearted neurosurgeon? DING DING DING! In an ideal world, though, I'd be with an anaesthesiologist. Or a rehab med dude. Convenience factor and all that.)

And I'm going to be honest and say that I only got interested in Death Note because people were flinging all these Zac Efron is Kira references. Well, Vanessa Hudgens has messy dark hair and eyebags (sometimes!). And Sharpay has a Misa Misa thing going on! (HOSHIT, WHEN TWO FANDOMS COLLIDE)

But after having read Death Note, it took me awhile to get into the fandom. It's weird. I love the manga because everyone is a heartless bastard and it isn't about good vs. evil, it's evil vs. the lesser evil and which one is it, really? But when it comes to fanfic and fanart I love the fluffy OOC ones where Light gives up on Kira or never had the Death Note and he and L have hot BDSM sex all over the place.

Speaking of BDSM...never mind. That's TMI.

Okay, all I'm going to say is, I don't think I can ever have 100% Vanilla sex. But who's to say what's Vanilla and what's not, anyways?

Hurrah, two things I hate: Twilight and Baseball.

The only coherent answer I have to offer is: doesn't MLB stand for Major League Baseball? So saying MLB baseball player is like saying, I dunno, ATM machine.

And for what it’s worth, I’m not a big believer in the “You’ll only find love when you’re not looking for it” school of thought. I was fucking looking when I found Al. I don’t think I spent a day of my life after hitting puberty not looking, really — but especially a year ago, I’d turned online dating into practically a part-time job. I was literally spending a couple hours a day writing to guys, a couple nights a week going on dates that ranged from pretty okay to horrid. Of course, that didn’t turn out to be how I found the right guy, but you’d better believe I was looking. It is okay to look. It is okay to want it. That does not actually send some desperate, self-defeating vibe out into the universe, guaranteeing that you will not find a decent date.

I may not be Fat Acceptance Activist, but I am so fucking glad someone said it.

I can want whatever I fucking want.

I want it all.

wow! I'm so lovely!

You Scored as Cassie You are most like Cassie! You are romantic and beautiful, but have a troubled life and have been hurt many times before. It seems that your life is a constant flow of drama and you are forever trying to get through things life throws at you. Even though you've been through a lot you still look at the world in awe and believe that there are so many good things in life. Cassie 75% Anwar 68% Jal 68% Chris 68% Effy 60% Maxxie 60% Sid 53% Michelle 53% Abigail 53% Tony 48%

I'm so ecstatic I can hardly type.

If you know my full name, go HERE, look for it, and you will know why I am so so ZOMG DIYOS KO PO ACH MEIN GOTT happy right now.

If not, I'll tell you.

I PASSED THE MEDICINE BOARD EXAMS!!! I AM FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY OFFICIALLY A DOCTOR!!!

I'll figure out where I'm going to take my career path later. Right now, I'm going to celebrate.

(1) A DA DA DA, LIKE THIS IN THE BACKGROUND
It's been, what, a day since the release of Christian Bale freaks the fuck out, and already there are t-shirts, countless macros, an Urban Dictionary entry (the Bale Out of 2009), a soundboard for your easy listening and remixing pleasure...

and speaking of remixes:

The Revolucian Remix


and the Mae Shi's tribute, "R U Professional"


They're actually damn catchy. And the Mae Shi's shoutouts to various Christian Bale films are awesome.

ETA: Of course, the RevoLucian remix becomes more loltastic when Christian Bale is dancing to it, Newsies-style:



(2) THIS JUST IN: STEPHEN KING IS AN UPSTART WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT WRITING AND IS JUST JEALOUS OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S POPULARITY

God, my brain hurt just typing that sentence out. And that's actually a more coherent, grammatically-correct paraphrasing of several comments I've seen across the interwebz.

Anyways, just when I thought Twilight fans couldn't possibly be any stupider, they react to a Stephen King interview with such gems as (no paraphrasing this time, direct quotes):

[x] Stephen King really ? You should know this by now we read to get away and STEPHENIE MEYERS BOOKS DO THAT ! Who are you to tell anyone what is good and what isn't !

Yeah, Stephen King, author of a kajillion best-selling novels, essayist, and critic! Just who the hell do you think you are?

[x] if you are going to bash a fellow author and tell her what she cant do well - you should follow up by saying what she DOES do well. and similar comments, such as also I think he shouldn't have been so harsh when he described her work, I know he was being honest but I think he should take in consideration that he is a public figure and shouldn't bash another writter so harshly. Also, brilliant discourse from someone who can't even differentiate between Stephen King and JK Rowling: OH MY GOOD LORD ROWLING NEEDS TO SHUT THAT OVER GAPING HOLE IN HIS FACE ANYONE WHO HATES ON STEPHENIE MEYERS & BAD MOUTHS HER MOST AMAZING BOOKS ON THE PLANET IS MY MORTAL ENEMY THAT WAS JUST PLAIN PETULANTLY RUDE OF ROWLING SOMEONE SHOULD KNOCK HIM OFF HIS HIGH HORSE HOW RUTHLESS AND SAD THAT YOU HAVE TO TRY TO FIND SOMTHING WRONG WITH THE MOST BRILLANT BOOKS EVER WRITTEN (IM PISSED)

How dare you say the following, Stephen King: Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. ... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good...People are attracted by the stories, by the pace and in the case of Stephenie Meyer, it’s very clear that she’s writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting and it’s thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they’re not overtly sexual. A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that’s a shorthand for all the feelings that they’re not ready to deal with yet."

GOSH DARN IT THAT'S SO MEAN!!!

Seriously, people, that...that doesn't even count as bashing. Paula Abdul has said worse things on American Idol.

And what is it with Twilight fans so afraid of "hurting people's feelings"? If you don't want your work criticised, don't have it published. End of story.

[x] King can go count something...when was the last time one of his books made as much money as Stephenie's?

[x] I cannot help but think that the only reason he would publicly criticize Meyer is that he is jealous of her undeniable success.

You know, those comments just mock themselves. I'm not even going to try.

[x] Well, I do not think he can write because he is too detailed and most of his stuff is about crazy clowns or kids getting hit by cars. Then again, he is famous, but has he ever made as much as Stephenie for a movie? No, most of his movies went straight to DVD or TV. The two rare movies that are shown in theaters are about those clowns and squashed children in the middle of the road.

I know, right? I mean, Twilight is so deep-seated in popular culture that we get beautiful macros like RPattz making a mess in his pants. Pig's blood at prom? Redrum? The Overlook Hotel? Room 1408 (I didn't even care for that movie, but it still beats the lulzfest that is Twilight.) The Green Mile? The Shawshank Redemption? Kathy Bates' Oscar for Misery? Who even knows about those things?

(Embarrassing indulgence: Sleepwalkers was one of my favourite films as a kid. Mostly because of the Enya theme song and Brian Krause being hot. Bata pa lang malandi na ako.)

[x] he is jelaous because he had his time, he was famous once, but everything he writes it’s the same.

Yeah! And Stephenie Meyer is so diverse in her subject matter and themes! What has Stephen King written about? Just crazy happenings in small American towns! Yeah, so what if one novel explores the havoc alcoholism wrecks on family life and another one details the craziness of obsessive fannish behaviour? So what if he's got stories that range from the cruelty and uncertainty of childhood to coming of age to adolescence to being a yuppie to senior citizenship to death and even beyond? They're all the same thing!

[x] Clearly he has no idea what he's talking about. All his books leave readers wicked confused anyways so what does he know.

[x] and since when do Young Adult novelists have extensive vocabularies? Come on. King-style writing for Young Adults? No one under the age of, say, 17 would understand that shit. I mean really.

[x] FROM A PERSONAL READING EXPERIENCE I HAVE NEVER READ A BOOK IN MY 26 YEARS AND AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE WAS GLUED I READ ALL 4 BOOKS IN LESS THEN A WEEK. I FOUND MYSELF SAYING "OK AFTER THIS CHAPTER I WILL GO TO SLEEP" BUT TOWARD THE END OF THAT CHAPTER I WAS LIKE "CRAP OK AFTER THE NEXT CHAPTER" I KEPT ME REALED IN, EVEN SOME OF THE BOREING PARTS, YOU WANT TO GET THROUGH IT JUST TO GET TO THE GREAT PARTS. I SEE SOME JEALOUSY!!

[x] Twilight was the first book that EVER reeled me in. I've read Stephen King's Desperation and well quite frankly it bored me. It was all about a f***ing crazy-ass cop that lived in an old mining town and it was just screwed up. SK SUCKS!!!! I never want to read his books again. And also I didn't get what he was talking about half the time in that book. I had to re-read the chapters before I finally got it.

[x] uhhmm yehhh if ur soul mate left u, then u would cry for the rest of ur exsitence. edward left beacuse he loved her so much. and yes its all very realistic.

[x] what ever ur oppinion does not matter i bet u just made alot of girls hate u plus u wouldnt see it in our way because UR NOT A GIRL TEENAGER JEEZ GO BOTHER SOME 1 ELSE AND BTW THE TWILIGHT SERIS ARE THE BOMB SO JUST GOO AWAY JEEZ

[x] OO YEA LET ME JUST ADD Y r the Twilight haters on this site jeez get a life !!!!!! and totally agree with Brittney a bunch of sci-fi crap tht no one needs in their life at least the twilight seris hav a unique touch to them the twilight seris rlly brings out wat it is like to be a girl !!! UR JUST JELOUS UR NOT LIKE EDWARD CULLEN !!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA

[x] IM NOT A TEEN. IM 26 YRS OLD AND HAVE 3 KIDS. I AM JUST A HERO FAN. I LIKE VAMPIRES, WAREWOLFS, SPIDERMAN, WIZARDS, WITCHES. ALMOST ANY MOIVE THAT HAS A PERSON WITH SPEACIAL POWERS IM IN.. HONESTLY I COULDN'T READ TWILIGHT WHEN MY SISTER GAVE IT TO ME. LIKE I SAID IM NOT A READER EVER!! I READ LIKE 3 PGS AND STOPPED TILL THE MOVIE CAME OUT THEN I WAS ALL IN..

[x] dudes im not a reader like ever. i dont even read for book projects (im not the best student) but! BUT! i read twilight. the whole series too. and when ppl compare it to harry potter im like what?!?reason why was because evryone was like read harry potter and i was all hell no i never read. the story just didnt intrest me. but then i heard about twilight and i was so excited to read it because i loved the story line. stephenie meyer is the only auther i will ever read. so i dont give a crap about what staphen whats his name says so whatever. there is my story.

Wow, if these are the kind of people who love the Twilight series...then I'm glad I quit whilst I was ahead. Also, although I know that the Internet is rife with illiterate fools, it still saddens me to encounter such a big mass of them. These idiots make YouTube comments and IMDB message boards look like bastions of erudite discussions.

You know what, my IQ can't take any more. All right, Twilight gets people who didn't read before to explore the wonderful world of reading...not. They swallow the series hook, line, and sinker, come away without any critical thinking or analytical skills whatsoever, proceed to never read another book again and continue living under a rock, and tell everyone on the internet that Twilight is the best ever and if they don't like it they are mean poopie heads who know nothing about enjoyment, happiness, writing, or true love.

(3) WHERE DO YOU FIND LOVE? IF WE KNEW, WE WOULD ALL KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

One of the most adorable films ever. (Of course, me being me, my mind gave it an additional morbid kick at the end.) Something nice and sweet for Valentine's Day.

Part 1:


Part 2:


Facebook has a better quality video (that isn't split into two parts), but I'm avoiding Facebook right now. If anyone is interested, search for it under André Tadiello's profile.

I enjoy zombie movies, along with a bit of zombie geekery now and then. (I will call you a person with a great sense of humour if you can find different ways to make BRAAAAAAAINSSSSS BRAAAAAAAAAINSSSS an appropriate and hilarious response to everyday conversational gambits.) It's no secret that I absolutely love Jane Austen, and own three copies of Pride and Prejudice-- one that's been read so many times that it's literally in tatters, one that a classmate gifted me with to replace said tattered copy, and one that looks pretty on my bookshelf.

Well, Seth Grahame-Smith, author of How to Survive a Horror Movie and The Big Book of Porn, thought it would be worthwhile to produce something called: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

That's...that's genius, is what it is.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombiesfeatures the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action.

You know what, such an awesome statement needs to be repeated.

ALL-NEW SCENES OF BONE-CRUNCHING ZOMBIE ACTION.

As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Complete with 20 illustrations in the style of C. E. Brock (the original illustrator of Pride and Prejudice), this insanely funny expanded edition will introduce Jane Austen's classic novel to new legions of fans.

I wonder how it opens?

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an undead man in possession of a good corpse, must be in want of BRAAAAAAAAAINSSSSSSSSSSS.

(I am pretty sure I am not the only one who thought of that.)

And upon checking, indeed, it does start out much like I thought: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

The letter! Ooh, Mr. Darcy's letter! "Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any bits of corpses which were last night so disgusting to you. I write without any intention of eating your BRAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNS...."

All right, I will stop speculating now, and hope that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will be available in local bookstores come April.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button may either be the perfect film to see in my current state of mind, or the very, very worst.



The other day, I stumbled across this blog entry and similarly themed posts from the same woman, and thought, oh, fuck, this could very well be me ten years from now. That frightens me to no end. That frightens me because it means that I do not change, I do not mature, and my horizons do not expand. I imagine that my sixteen year-old self would be horrified to find out that ten years into her future, nothing much has changed, except she's uncharmingly fat and the acne that she managed to escape from all throughout high school decided to plague her in her twenties. I feel like I failed that sixteen year-old, eyes bright and hopeful, feeling brilliant and talented and secure in the knowledge that her hard work and intelligence would win her a fulfilling life.

How would that sixteen year-old feel if I told her, you have mental health issues that interfere with your functioning just enough to make your life blank and mediocre, but not enough to require medication? You spent six years doing your best and trying to cope and venting on your blog, only in the end to feel defeated...and still spend time venting about the same things on your blog? The brilliance and achievement and accolades people predicted for you...well, all that promise fizzled out? How would she feel if she knew that she'd hit her late twenties with nothing that could be called a life, really? Everyone around her, building careers. Making names for themselves. Cementing friendships. Perfecting their craft. Having love enter their lives. Forming a household. How would she feel if all that happened for other people, but not for her, I don't know why?

There were all these goals I had before, and none of them materialised. My writing is...wow, can I even call myself a writer, anymore? I was not in any way brilliant or memorable in medical school or internship. I certainly didn't do anything that would count as a stepping-stone in building a career as an exceptional physician. I'm not even sure if my any of my professors/consultants remember me well enough to even be willing to sign a recommendation letter.

So what does any of this have to do with Benjamin Button?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button certainly is curious. The F. Scott Fitzgerald story is a dry social satire, lampooning the ludicrous lengths people will go through to fit in. I saw how ridiculous people behave when faced with something unexpected; how refusal to adapt to something outside your worldview can lead to a great deal of inconvenience at best and heartbreak and ruin at worst. Then again I'm not very good at analysing F. Scott Fitzgerald. I have yet to read The Great Gatsby (yes! I really AM an illiterate boor!) and I read Tender is the Night at an age too young to appreciate it, yet have no current desire to revisit it.

The film is an adaptation of the Fitzgerald story in the loosest sense of the world. They are both about a man named Benjamin Button who age backwards-- and there end the similarities. They don't even "age backwards" in the same way; in the short story Benjamin Button springs from his mother's loins as a cranky, 5'8" man who, upon being visited by his father in the nursery, demands that he be given proper habiliments and a cane. In the film Benjamin matures mentally and emotionally pretty much like normal people do; it is only his body that does not follow the course of time and nature.

With that, the message I brought away from the cinema is very, very different from what I took from the short story. I asked Gera Beine what she felt the movie was about. "Where do I start?" she said. "Life, death, love..." and of course, in true Velasco sister fashion, it degenerated into a discussion on the hotness or notness of Brad Pitt. (Mostly due to me; I know I'm the ditzy sister.) It would be hard to reduce this almost-three-hour film to a sound byte; the best I could come up with as a summary was, "Do what you need and what you want in this life; we only get one chance no matter which direction we seem to be going." Benjamin Button had vigour and ostensible youth in his twilight years; yet those apparently very desirable things meant heartbreak and loneliness for him, in the end. It's not an extension of years or a reversal of infirmities that are desirable. What would REALLY be nice in this fucked-up world would be a reset button, but no one gets that. So make the most of what you have.

There are parts of Benjamin Button that make me look upon my own life and feel that I've screwed up beyond repair, and the most I can hope for is not to screw up any further. I should have done this and not that; I shouldn't have taken that chance and played it safe, and the times I was cautious were the times I should've gone all in. I broke promises to myself and never achieved anything I set out to do, in the time frame I allotted for myself, and I should just shut up about my blank nothing life because it's my fault anyways.

And there are other parts that make me feel like it's not too late (of course it's not too late, a reasonable-sounding voice pipes up in my head, you're only 26 for fuck's sake; then another voice counters, no matter what you do now, your early twenties were a vast wasteland and you're never going to get that back). Lovers find their way toward each other, and the magic they have together may be worth the pain when it comes time to part. Sacrifices hurt; that's why they're sacrifices, but knowing the good such acts bring to others makes that hurt easier to bear. And as long as one is alive, it is never too late to have that one big shining moment, to do something great.

At least, I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep saying those things to myself because otherwise, I may succumb to ennui and despair.

-0-

And on a much, much lighter note, this is one of the few films where I find Brad Pitt hot. I don't know, most of the time I just see generic good looks but nothing that gets my engine going, you know? But here, he really rocks fifties and sixties fashion. And being naked; but then again even in the movies where I don't find him hot I can fully admit to finding his naked body glorious.

(But damn, Legends of the Fall. Can I just say ew.)

Okay, may confession ako. Hindi ako nag-aaral ng maayos. As in, my head's not in the zone, I'm so behind schedule, yung mga nabasa ko di ko maalala. Sheth. And the board exam's in less than a month, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Sample: nagpopost ako dito sa LJ imbis na nagbabasa. Scheisse.

At this point, mga himala at dasal na lang ang pag-asa ko. Bahala na si Batman.

At least I've read half of first aid, and some bits of that twice or thrice? Well, I'm still reading. And reading. And reading. I can't find the zone. Students and former students, you know what I'm talking about. That period wherein when you start reading/taking notes/highlighting whatever, it sticks to your brain like magic. And it lasts for hours. I used to have zones like that all the time. And I stopped having them, I think, after I got sick. Ewan, ewan.

Anyways, basta, after the boards, IF I pass, may gagawin ako. Something big. I'm almost thirty and my life is kind of, well. Not kind of. It really isn't much. Wala pa akong na-accomplish. Just to clarify, I know what the something big is exactly, I'm just not specifying it para di ma-jinx. But it is IS damn big and I'm visualising it and all that jazz.

I have been talking about changing and improving myself for years, ever since I put up this LJ, I think. So ayun. Big steps. Big leaps.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled kababawan. I haven't done a babaw hot guys post in a long time, aside from gratuitous Zefron photos. So here it goes.



Verbotene Liebe is a German soap opera, with many sprawling storylines in true soap opera fashion. One of them, which is the only one YouTube has with subs, is the love story of Christian and Oliver. And oh God they are such a hot and cute couple.

Christian is played by Thore Schölermann. I think he's hot. (Watch some other episodes and see this dude nekkid.)



Oliver is played by Jo Weil. I think he's hot too. (Watch some other episodes and see this dude nekkid. With Thore. And the man also looks damn fine in a suit.)



But what really makes me love this show are the funny people that share Christian and Oliver's flat. And their neighbour and landlord, Christian's older brother Gregor, played by Andreas Jancke.

I think he's REALLY hot. (I watched episodes that weren't subbed, and with my pathetic knowledge of German could only catch stuff like "thank you" "goodbye" "hospital" and the like, but that didn't matter because this man is just GLORIOUS. Nekkid or clothed.)



Aside from the hot men, I love this show despite its cheesiness and theatrics because (1) if one ignores the other story lines (and it's easy to do because no one subs those bits) the show is like this bizarre cross of telenovela and How I met Your Mother. It's funny, and the actors have wonderful chemistry and comedic timing. I didn't know soap operas could literally make me laugh out loud. (2) it's got hot guys making out with each other, and later on they turn out to be one of the more stable relationships whilst everyone around them is all dramallama, cheating, confusion, etc. In fact, people in the flat tend to go to Olli and Christian for relationship advice.

Someone else please watch this show so that I have someone to talk to about it :(

And since this is a hot men post, obligatory Zac Efron!


( Zanessa at the Golden Globes )

You know, looking at Zefron and the German men I've posted here, I'm starting to think I may actually have a type. Hmmm.

(Crossposted. Sorry if you see this twice. Or thrice.)

marenski_vodka was already apprehensive about the Twilight film after I told her about the books (I wish I had a camera: the look on her face after I said "The vampires sparkle in direct sunlight" was priceless). Unfortunately, she had no choice as most of her co-residents were hardcore Twilighters. (And I boggle at that, seriously: THESE ARE OB-GYNS! WERE THEY NOT HORRIFIED AT THE VAMPIRE CAESARIAN SECTION OF DOOM?) She didn't have any booze, weed, or even a fellow non-Twilighter to ease her pain. So she relieved her misery by texting me her reactions all throughout the movie.

Maren's texts are prefaced by times. My replies are prefaced by, well, me.

Also, "pare" and "chong" for my non-Tagalog-speaking friends are equivalent to "dude" or "man". (Yeah, we refer to each other in the masculine. I don't know why.) Translations are not necessarily literal, but hopefully I get the meaning across. (Not a linguist, sorry.)

( Someone wasn't very dazzled. )

Me - Is it over yet?

9:53 - Ewan ko dude. Sa totoo lang, sumasakit na pwet ko. (I don't know, dude. To be honest, my butt is starting to hurt.)
10:17 - My gawd, dude! There's a freaking part 2!

Me - Of course, dude. 4 books, remember?

Reminding her of that sure didn't make her feel better.

Look, when the lead actor of "Twilight" playing the oh-so-perfect Edward Cullen thinks that Twilight is a terrible, terrible book, it's pretty clear we've got a stinker here.

As I've ranted before, the success of the Twilight series has always baffled me (and also, I CAN'T BELIEVE I SPENT MONEY ON TWO OF THE BOOKS, GODDAMIT, AND PAID FOR IT IN US$ NO LESS). How can anyone think this tripe is good? Do I just have weird standards? (I mean, I genuinely love HSM. It could be very well argued that I have no taste.)

Thank you, Robert Pattinson, for vindicating me.

I don't know what this dude is on (or perhaps it would be better to blame his PR team), but his honest criticism of a project he's actually a major part of warms the cockles of my non-dazzling, Twilight-loathing heart. Like some people have commented, I think he has realised how horrible these books are, and is desperately trying to be fired.

Early on he already came out with such gems as "When you read the book, it's like 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read this script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he's a 108 year-old virgin, so he's obviously got some issues there."

Rpattz, that analysis of Edward Cullen is quite spot on!

But now I love him even more with this interview: Robert Pattinson discussing his "Twilight" Experience

For those who don't want to click on the link (or have videos/youtube blocked), here is the relevant quote:

When I was reading them... I didn't know how to read it from a teenage girl- or really any kind of woman's perspective, I guess. I don't know why they like it. What I thought was weird about it was... um... when I read it, it seemed like... I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella... and that it was like a book that wasn't supposed to be published. And you're reading, like, her sort of sexual fantasy about some... especially when she says it was based on a dream... and it's like "oh, I've met this... I've this dream about this sexy guy!" and she just writes this book about it. And some things about Edward are so specific, I was just... convinced... like "This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation."

I wanted to watch "Twilight" just so I could mock it endlessly, but now I think I want to watch it just to support RPattz and his complete lack of brain-to-mouth filter. Or his ability to call out this book on what it really is.

And now, gratuitous Zac Efron gif!

(People, it might be a public service on your part to save me from geekery and nerdage.)

I was all set to finish my article on osteosarcoma (cancerous tumour made of bone cells) so that I can move onto liposarcoma (cancerous tumour made of fat cells), when the Internet distracted me, as usual.

Unfortunately, instead of being a legitimate distraction of the Perez Hilton or OhNoTheyDidn't variety (YES GERARD WAY'S HAIR IS DARK PINK, I'M BETTING LYN-Z MADE GAGO AND DID IT TO HIM IN HIS SLEEP, BECAUSE SHE SEEMS THE TYPE TO DO THAT, THAT SAUCY LIL' MINX), the headline that caught my eye upon opening my Yahoo!Mail was: Heart Defibrillator Shock Can Signal More Trouble.

Having Yahoo summarise the findings of this study wasn't enough (when I checked MD Consult, it was at the top of the list of "What Your Colleagues Are Reading" so I'm guessing these studies are making waves), so of course I headed over to one of my favourite websites ever, The New England Journal of Medicine. And then I wasted half the morning reading Prognostic Importance of Defibrillator Shocks in Patients with Heart Failure as well as Quality of Life in Defibrillator Therapy or Amiodarone in Heart Failure. For fun.

Cardiology has always interested me, but the love is unrequited. How many years of studying cardiovascular physiology in both college and medical school, and most of the basics are still muddled in my head. Once I bemoaned this fact to a non-doctor friend: "When it comes to the heart, I don't understand a thing."

"That explains a lot about you," he laughed.

I don't know if my knowledge of the emotional heart has advanced any, but I still want to work out the mysteries of the physical heart. Code blues always get me hyped up. They're especially memorable for me because my first code blue was also the first time I had a patient expire on me, the first time I ever cried over a patient, and the moment when I swore I would never cry over a patient again. (That resolution was broken, several times.) Getting my Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) accreditation was loads of fun, despite my ineptitude at intubation (if anyone is worried about this, I've improved since then). And thoracic-cardiovascular (TCVS) surgeries! Oh, the surgeries. From the moment I scrubbed in my first TCVS procedure (which happened to be on a pig, but still), I was hooked. Angiograms, stenting, CABGs, PDA ligations, they were tough and I had a doozy trying to understand everything that was going on, but I loved every minute of them.

That's the problem with geekery. I really like ortho, but I also really like TCVS, and I want to go into research and IM may be the best track for that...so many choices, I can't keep my head on straight.

I guess I should stop getting distracted, and study intensely for the board exams, so that I am sure I can go into any of these fields if I so choose.

At least, whilst writing this blog entry, I was able to finish my osteosarcoma article. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get another rejection...

Just saw The Dark Knight.

Only expectation I had going in was anticipating Heath Ledger's performance, after all he is dead, this was the performance of a lifetime, he may be nominated for an Oscar etc. etc.

BUT HOLY CRAP, NOT JUST HEATH LEDGER, EVERYONE, EVEN THE BIT PLAYERS, BLEW ME AWAY.

Also, have to note that other performances may have been overshadowed by Heath Ledger's passing, because everyone was excellent, especially Aaron Eckhart. And Maggie Gyllenhaal definitely salvaged the role so wasted on Katie Holmes in Batman Begins.

Seriously, I was expecting to see Christian Bale hotness, Heath Ledger genius, shiny Batman toys, and not much else.

What I got was an engrossing philosophical musing on the nature of good and evil, the inherent morality of people...if they even have any inherent morality, what it means to be a hero, what it means to do good, just how much is too much, is there a sacrifice too demanding when what you are trying to achieve is the greater good. And my God, even with such weighty ideas, there was no muddling. Every scene, every bit of dialogue, every person onscreen had a role to play in conveying those ideas. It was the epitome of show, not tell, even though there were monologues that were bordering on maid-and-butler type soundbytes.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so tell me if you've seen it and let's go out for coffee and talk about how awesome it is.

Because the best things in life are free!

Random stuff going on in my life right now:

[x] There is progress on the board review. Slightly. At least I have finished one microbiology reviewer (1st Aid) and am already into Microbiology Made Ridiculously Simple. Although when I look at a calendar and see how many weeks have gone by since internship ended and how many weeks are left until August I want to shoot myself. Or pawn a whole shitload of stuff and run away someplace.

[x] Wow, I think I burned almost all my bridges from medical school. So I better pass the boards and the USMLE and get matched because I have practically no network to help me out now :(

[x] I wrote something really long, and now I realise it is mostly unsuitable for public consumption. This is what survived my attack of propriety:

(Hahaha okay random topic change but does anybody from Woodrose remember that weird-ass sex education video that was telling us not to kiss and hold hands and stuff because it leads to sex? And they made an analogy to a car that when you put the key in the ignition the engine gets all revved up and the car has to go somewhere? And the background was this loud "VRRRROOOM! VRRROOOM!" sound? Wala lang, bigla ko lang naalala tapos bigla akong natawa. Ngayon mukha akong engeng kasi natatawa ako mag-isa. Shet.)

[x] I have been a huge Pride and Prejudice fangirl for many, many years now, although I also love most of Austen's work (except Emma. Shet Lord do I hate Emma). It is only now, though, that I fully appreciate Northanger Abbey. (The ITV adaptation helped a lot, though, since JJ Feild as Henry Tilney is...something I highly appreciate. Although Pride and Prejudice is universally loved because of the brooding Mr. Darcy (and another case wherein being adapted into a mini-series helped people appreciate it more...hello Colin Firth) and the antagonistic sexual tension he had with Elizabeth Bennett, it is...I don't know how to explain it. Not a situation I can relate to very well. Sure, it's kilig and all, I love the book to bits, Elizabeth Bennett is awesome sauce (BECAUSE THERE IS NO CHARGE FOR AWESOMENESS), and I'd be beyond ecstatic if the romance of my life played out that way, but I don't really expect it.

Just like Henry Tilney fell in love with Catherine for her honesty and innocence, so do I love the simplicity of the love story. The fact that the novel is a satire only underscores how straightforward the romance is. Girl meets boy, girl is a moron, boy knows girl is a moron and is kind of a jackass for making fun of her but deep down he finds her gaffes adorable, girl stops being a moron but doesn't lose her good nature, boy and girl live happily ever after. It's...satisfying, how everything can all just fall into place.

Goddamit I'm going to study now.

...okay, one last thing.

[x] It is really, really nice to have someone tell you about his day then ask about yours, just because. Yes, I know this isn't much but kind of like how Northanger Abbey satisfies me, this sort of thing satisfies me as well.

AW SHIT MAN

PUTANG INA

I TOTALLY CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE ENOUGH TO REVIEW PROPERLY FOR THE BOARD EXAMS

I'VE BEEN READING BIOCHEMISTRY REVIEWERS SINCE I GOT BACK FROM BANGKOK, GODDAMN IT, AND I STILL CAN'T EXPLAIN CARBOHYDRATE METABOLISM OR FUCK AROUND WITH THE MICHAELIS-MENTEN EQUATION

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO FUCK AROUND WITH THE MICHAELIS-MENTEN EQUATION IF WE BOTH MET AT A BAR AND GROUND AT EACH OTHER AS A PRELIMINARY TO SEXY TIME

I DON'T THINK I CAN EVEN FUCK AROUND WITH THE MICHAELIS-MENTEN EQUATION IF IT LOOKED LIKE ROBERT DOWNEY JR. IN IRON MAN

DON'T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT HENDERSON-HASSELBACH DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY I'M NOT A SLUT

Friends, help. I'm going crazy. Board exams are in two months OH MY FUCKING GOD

I'm going to try to review instead of fucking around on livejournal so I can go watch Kung Fu Panda tonight with a clear conscience.

Things are definitely looking up.

Internship is over, only some paperwork to take care of, but it's over. OVER, I TELL YOU!

As a gift, my dad is sending my mum and I to Bangkok and Pattaya. BANGKOK AND PATTAYA! WOO HOO!

Just came from watching Iron Man and it is awesome. FUCKING AWESOME, AND ROBERT DOWNEY JR IS FANTASTIC. Also he is very hot and someone who is well-deserving of sexy times.

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S SEXY TIME!

Seriously, though, I think it's a great adaptation of the Iron Man back story for the present time, especially considering the global political situation in the world these days. Yet despite such a sombre theme, it's got great funny bits, awesome action, and of course, sexy times. And an appearance of Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., which I missed because I did not know you had to stay until the credits.

GO WATCH IRON MAN IT IS FUCKING AWESOME I WISH I WATCHED IT ON WEDNESDAY WITH THE REST OF THE COUNTRY I'M GOING TO WATCH IT AGAIN DEFINITELY

Also, saw the trailer of The Hulk again, and Edward Norton, I have always loved you and now I love you even more, you just get better with age, and for you? DEFINITELY SEXY TIMES.

Also anticipating The Dark Knight, Wanted, and Kung Fu Panda, also full of men for sexy times except the last. Which is full of cuddly animals who are most definitely not for sexy times.

MY REAL SUMMER HAS JUST BEGUN.